


With Every Heartbeat I Have Left

by runfive



Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Gender-Neutral Runner Five, Hurt/Comfort, POV Second Person, Season 4 Spoilers, spoilers up to s4m25, this goes from like super angsty to super fluffy, this isn't fic it’s actually just six pages of me crying about runaway baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-22 23:33:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16607519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runfive/pseuds/runfive
Summary: You stare at the radio transmitter without really seeing it, hoping that if you listen closely enough, you might hear his voice in the dark.(filling in some of the gaps between s4m22 and s4m25)





	With Every Heartbeat I Have Left

You weren’t fast enough.

Before you can even process what’s happening Sam’s in the school and the door is slamming shut and you’re on the wrong side. Then he’s running through the building and you’re running along the outer wall trying to follow his position, still trying to figure out where it all went wrong, why Sam is trapped in the building and not you. Then he’s passing the baby through the bars as you yank desperately on them trying to get him out and he’s saying-

“Knowing you has just been the best there ever was. Just, I’m so glad to have lived through all of this with you.”

Your head is spinning.

He’s saying goodbye.

You can’t breathe. Everything is moving too fast and then there’s Sam’s face at the bars of the window and it’s all you can see-

“Sam, no! Please- _please_ ,” you choke, yanking on the bars like your own life depends on it, like you’re the one dying, not him. Maybe you are. Desperate, and with nothing left, you start hitting the bars with your fist, trying to get something to break.

Sam covers your hands with his, stopping you. “You’ll be okay.” His voice is steady but there’s nothing but terror in his eyes, and it cuts through you like a knife.

“Sam don’t, _don’t_ -”

You reach for him but he pulls away, turning toward the far side of the room.

“ _Sam_ -”

For a split second everything fades to white noise and all you can see are Sam’s shoulders shaking as rotting hands reach out for him from the darkness.

Just before they take him, he turns around to face you.

“I love you, Five,” he breathes.

“I-” but you don’t get to finish, because the zombies are tearing Sam apart, and all you can hear past the blood rushing violently in your ears are his screams of pain, and you can’t feel anything as your hand not holding the baby pounds at the wall separating you until your knuckles are torn and bloody, until Owen is dragging you away, until you can’t hear anything from Sam Yao anymore, not even his screams.

* 

You and Owen arrive at Abel’s gates just before nightfall. The township is still in a state of turmoil, you can see Janine yelling orders from atop of one of the benches outside the farmhouse, and groups of people are working to clear the rubble from Tom’s explosions. The noise seems to dim though, as the gates are raised and you walk in, clutching the baby with shaking arms. She’s peaceful against your chest, somehow managing to sleep as you ran her home. But you can’t bring yourself to look at her, when all you see is-

Sam. You can’t think about him, you can’t, you have to get the baby to Maxine, he told you to-

“Mate, you okay?” Owen’s looking at you with a slightly alarmed expression on his face.

Right. Breathe, you have to remember to breathe. You have to get the baby to Maxine and Paula. You ignore him and start for the hospital. The crowd seems to part for you as you walk, and even the guards at the gate don’t try to stop you to have you go through the proper safety check. You can see the way they look at you, pity, admiration, sympathy. You can’t take it. You run.

You don’t stop running until you’re in the back section of Abel’s hospital, passing the baby into Maxine’s arms.

“Thank you, _thank you_ , Five,” she sobs.

Paula’s hooked up to the plasmapherisis machine on a bed next to her, one arm cuffed to the bedpost and the other holding Maxine’s hand. She looks up at you and gives you a tearful nod, as if to echo Maxine’s sentiment.

You can’t think of a response, you can’t think of much of anything. The hospital is in a state of disarray with all the people injured from the explosions and from the chaos that ensued in the aftermath, and all the noise rushes through your head like you’re hearing it from underwater. You feel like you’re drowning.

No. You’ve experienced drowning before. Drowning was easy. This isn’t even close.

You turn to make your way out of the hospital, to get out, get anywhere, but your body’s exhausted from having been run to the ground and your legs, seeming to register that they’ve fulfilled their mission, give out on you. You sink to the ground before you can make it out the door of the hospital room. Your knees hit the floor, but you don’t feel the pain. You’re not sure you’ll ever feel anything again.

“Dr. Lobatse-” you hear Maxine call, but her voice sounds miles away, “Please- Five needs help-”

But you don’t need help. Sam needs help-Sam, he-

In the blurry edges of your vision you see Dr. Lobatse and one of the nurses running over to you, kneeling beside you.

Their voices fade in and out, “-in shock, hand me that blanket please. Possible concussion from the explosion, blood loss-”

The last thing you see is the baby looking sleepily at you from Maxine’s arms before your vision mercifully goes black.

 

When you wake up it’s quiet. The chaos from earlier seems to have died down and the hospital is dark. From the violet, grey sky that you can see from one of the small windows on the far side of the hospital, you figure it’s in the early hours of the morning. Your leg and hand have been stitched up, but the wounds still hurt like hell, the leg especially. You run your hand over the bandage on your thigh and focus on the pain. You don’t think about Sam.

Sam.

Without meaning to, you’re pushing yourself up off the bed and standing up. You move quietly through the dark hospital, trying not to wake anyone, and slip out the back door.

The township is silent. You figure everyone must be asleep now, after the chaotic day. It should feel peaceful but it doesn’t. The quiet presses down all around you as you walk and you feel like you’re suffocating. You don’t know how it can be so quiet when all you want to do is scream.

Without really knowing how you got there, you find yourself at the door of the comms shack. You push it open hesitantly. You’re not sure what you’re expecting, maybe for the inside to be in pieces, to be bloodstained. But it’s exactly how you left it. The monitors beeping quietly, a half eaten marmite jar on the desk, Sam’s orange hoodie slung over the chair. Like he could walk back in any minute, throwing you a lopsided grin and telling you the mission plan for the day.

But he can’t. Because he’s dead.

You pull the orange hoodie off of the chair and hold it to your chest. It still smells like him.

Your legs feel like they’re going to give out again and you slump into his chair, still clutching the hoodie. It’s just you and the quietly beeping monitors in the dark room, but your head is pounding with Sam’s screams of how much it hurts.

You don’t think you’ve ever wanted so wholeheartedly to be dead. Not when you were throwing Sara Smith’s ashes into the ocean, not even after Moonchild made you murder hundreds of people.

You don’t cry. You might never be able to stop if you do. You just sit there and pull the soft material tighter against your chest, trying to take in one breath that doesn’t feel like you’re suffocating. You stare at the radio transmitter without really seeing it, hoping that if you listen closely enough, you might hear his voice in the dark.

 

Janine finds you two hours later because of course she does.

You hear the door to the comms shack opening slowly behind you, but you don’t turn around. The dawn light spills into the room then fades as she quietly shuts the door.

She doesn’t say anything, just pulls up another chair and sits down without looking at you, drumming her fingers on the table as if thinking hard about something.

After a few minutes you look over at her. Her arm is still in the makeshift splint so you know she hasn’t been to the hospital yet, and her eyes are slightly red like she hasn’t slept all night. She probably hasn’t. Or maybe she’s been crying. You can never quite tell with Janine.

She looks up at you, and then down to your arms where you’re still clutching Sam’s hoodie. She stares at it for a moment before looking back up at you.

“Runner Five,” she clears her throat and then shifts uncomfortably in her chair. You’re not sure what’s she’s going to say. You don’t think you want to hear it anyway.

She seems to have the same thought as you because she grimaces before trying again, “Runner Five...Dr. Lobatse was worried when you were missing from the hospital this morning. I thought I might find you here.”

It’s not what she was going to say, and that’s perfectly fine with you. This is easier to deal with.  
“I don’t need to stay in the hospital, I’m fine.”

She eyes your bandaged hand and the cuts and abrasions that lace your arms dubiously, so you quickly change the subject.

“Shouldn’t _you_ be in the hospital, anyway?” You gesture toward her wrist.

She twists her mouth grimly, “No, not when there’s work to be done.”

Right. Work. You wonder if while you’ve been sitting here, Janine’s been down in Abel’s prison holding, interrogating her insane brother. You look up at her, more closely this time. Dark purple bags rest under her eyes, and she looks tired, in a way that sleep can’t fix. She shouldn’t look like that. It’s not her fault, it’s yours. You were supposed to protect Sam, you should have been faster, you should have died instead-

You take a deep breath and force yourself to get a grip. You’re not going to break down in front of Janine.

Janine shifts uncomfortably again. “Five, we’re sending people out today to...take care of Mr. Yao.”

You want to laugh. “Take care of” instead of “shoot in the head”. It’s almost something Sam would say. Would have said.

“I’m going,” you reply, before she can say anything else.

She gives you a steady look. “Runner Five, you have a serious leg injury and have just been running nonstop for almost twelve hours. Dr. Lobatse has taken you off active duty for the next week, at the very least.”

You look up at her and an understanding passes between the two of you. She’s not telling you not to go. She’s giving you an excuse, a cop out-in case you can’t.

It’s an unnecessary kindness.

“I failed him once Janine, I’m not going to do it again.”

 

When you find Sam it’s like your whole world is put back together for a second. Then Jody says that you’re going to have to kill him, and it shatters a second time.

 

Less than an hour later, you have to say goodbye again. You turn toward Sam and the two of you stare into each other’s eyes for a moment. Your throat is tight and you take a deep breath and try not to throw up. You trust Veronica but you can’t help but feel like you’re staring at a ghost.

“Sam…” You want to tell him, but part of you doesn’t. Part of you wants to believe that he’s going to come home, that you’ll have more time. “Sam, I-”

He cuts you off before you can finish, “It’s okay Five, you don’t have to say it, I know.”

You look at his eyes and you can see that part of him wants to believe he’ll come back too. Maybe that’s all you both need.

You give him a tearful laugh, “Did you just Star Wars me, Sam Yao?”

He grins at you and you can almost pretend that everything's normal.

“Yeah I guess I did, does that make me Han Solo?”

Jody steps over to you from where she had been waiting a few feet away, “Guys I’m sorry, but we need to go, _now_ , zoms are closing in.”

You inhale sharply and it feels like a knife cutting through your chest. You grab him and pull him into a hug, wishing you’d never have to let go.

He hugs you back with shaking arms, “I’ll be fine, Five.”

“Guys I’m sorry, we _have_ to go.”

He pulls away and gives you one last small smile before turning and running off with Jody.

You watch them for a few seconds until the zoms are close enough that you have to run. He’ll be okay. Maybe you just have to believe that. After all, Sam always believes that you’ll come home no matter what. Maybe now it’s your turn to believe in him.

 *

You’re standing against the opposite wall of Sam’s hospital bed, trying to stay out of the way as Lobatse and the nurses fuss over him. He’s finally off the plasmapherisis machine, but the Doctors want to give him a thorough once over before attending to his wounds. You keep quiet as they draw his blood, take his temperature, scan his brain, but you still feel like you haven’t taken a proper breath since he died. He looks over at you as Lobatse starts unwrapping the makeshift bandages on his arm and gives you a small, weary but loving, smile.

You’re not sure if it’s the gentle smile that you never thought you’d ever see again, or the deep bite wounds covering his body that you can see now that Lobatse’s unwrapped the bandages that undoes you, but you can feel yourself start to tremble all over, your whole body quivering with a release that’s been trying to come ever since you stumbled on Sam in the dumpster.

You start crying. You don’t make a sound but tears pour down your face and you can’t make them stop, as much as you try.

Sam, sensing something’s wrong (always sensing, always knowing you) looks back over at you and his eyebrows immediately press together, like he’s going to start crying too.

“Five,” he says pleadingly, reaching an arm out for you (Lobatse gently pushes it down, “Sam please try to stay still.”) “Five, please don’t cry.” He sounds as pained as you feel and you know you should try to stop, he’s been through enough without you losing it, but you can’t help it. You try to force down the tears and they just come out in choking, gasping breaths.

Sam begins to look alarmed “Okay, no don’t do that Five, it’s okay.”

“Sam please, try to sit still you’re going to reopen these stitches,” Lobatse, says, before looking over at you gently, “Five, we’re almost done here, you can come sit with him if you’d like.”

You don’t need to be asked twice.

You cross the room to Sam and sit down next to him, your hands trying to find some part of his body to hold that won’t hurt him. Eventually, you settle for interlocking your fingers with his.

Lobatse finishes bandaging one of the bigger bite wounds on Sam’s arm and then gives you both a small smile, “Well Sam, I think you’re going to live.”

Sam huffs, “Thanks, doc.”

She pats him gently on the shoulder and then turns to leave the room, “I’ll give you two some privacy then, shall I?”

It’s an innocent comment but you can’t help but blush.

Lobatse closes the door quietly and Sam shifts to face you, “Five, you’re still crying.”

Are you? You didn’t realize, but now that he mentions it you reach your fingers up to your cheeks and they come away wet.

You laugh shakily, “I guess my body doesn’t realize that you’re not dead yet.”

He frowns and pulls a hand away from where it’s intertwined with yours to gently cup your cheek, “I’m here Five, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Yeah,” you breathe, reaching up to cover his hand on your cheek with your own.

Suddenly you realize how tired he looks. His eyes have dark bags under them and his hand is trembling a bit in exhaustion. How long has it been since he slept? 24 hours? More than that?

“Sam you need to sleep.”

He takes a deep breath before smiling weakly at you, “Yeah not sure how easy that’s going to be.” His eyes look haunted and it’s like you feel physical pain in your chest. His screams of pain haven’t entirely stopped echoing in your head and you can’t imagine how it must have been for him, thinking he was going to die, nearly throwing himself off the roof-

You take a sharp inhale and tell yourself he’s still here. _He’s still here._ He’s not going anywhere. And neither are you.

“I’ll stay with you.”

He looks up at you and there’s a mixture of gratitude and relief on his face.

You lie down together, your hands still intertwined and your legs tangled together under the sheets. For a while you just listen to the sound of his breathing, feel the beat of his pulse in his wrist under your fingertips.

He’s still here.

You remember what he said to you right before he died. How you thought you’d never get a chance to say it back. You almost told him after Van Ark, when he was there when you woke up in the middle of the night haunted by needles and treadmills. But you were in too much grief over losing Sara and he was too busy trying to find Maxine, and things just got worse from there.

You almost told him in the months after Comansys tower, after things had died down after Moonchild. But he had the baby on the way, and every time you thought about it, all you could see was the memory of your axe swinging toward his head, how you’d hurt him under Moonchild’s control.

Timing has always been a problem with the two of you.

What if he had really died? You think about all the years you wasted because you were too afraid to let yourself be too close to him, afraid that you’d hurt him, afraid that he wouldn’t want you.

You’re not afraid anymore.

“Sam?” you say quietly as he’s drifting off.

“Yeah, Five?” he murmurs sleepily, his eyes closing.

“I love you, too.”

His eyes shoot open in surprise and you almost want to laugh.

“I love you, Sam,” you repeat, grinning at him, and you lean in and give him a sleepy kiss.

“Wow,” he says, slightly breathless, as you pull away. “If I knew all I had to do to get you to kiss me was die, I would’ve done it sooner.”

“Don’t say that,” you want to laugh and cry at the same time and he gives you an apologetic look.

“Sorry, can I kiss you again to make up for it?”

“Apology accepted,” and you lean in to kiss him a second time.

 

You both wake up to Maxine pushing the door of your hospital room open.

“Morning, lovebirds,” she coos, as she makes her way over to the bed.

You blush again but Sam just takes a pillow and gently whacks her in the arm with it.

“Be nice to me,” she chastises, grabbing the pillow from him, “I brought someone to see you.”

She turns to the door where Paula comes in holding the baby in her arms.

Sam nearly leaps off the bed, and you have to grab him to make sure he doesn’t reopen any of his newly stitched up zombie bites. Paula passes the baby off to Sam who looks like he’s about to cry as he cradles her in his arms. You kind of feel like crying too, seeing them both in front of you, safe and home.

After a few minutes he looks up at you, “Do you want to hold her, Five?”

After a moment of surprise you realize that yes, you do really want to hold her. You reach your arms out and he gently passes her to you.

Wow.

You didn’t notice yesterday.

She’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.

She looks up at you with Sam’s chocolate brown eyes and wraps her tiny hand around one of your fingers. She’s so small and so innocent and suddenly you remember why the future's worth fighting for.

Suddenly you notice Sam looking at you intently, a curious expression on his face.

“What?”

“Nothing it’s just…” he gives you a small smile, “you look happy. I dunno it’s been awhile since I’ve seen you like that I guess.”

Huh. It has been hasn’t it. There’s just been so much bad lately you almost forgot that good things do happen.

Maxine’s standing a few feet away with an arm around Paula’s shoulder and Sam smiling at you as you hold their baby in your arms. They’re all alive. They’re all home.

You don’t know if things are going to be okay but you at least have this moment right here. You have Sam. And maybe that’s all you need.


End file.
